Showtime

This is it.
Surgery is at 7 am tomorrow morning- we need to be there at 6. OUCH.

I am anticipatory. Ready to be on the other side of this part of the journey and hopeful. All good things I think.

More to come!

3 more sleeps

After returning from our trip I began the liquid pre-op diet the very next morning, on my way to my pre-op appointment. I drank half a shake and by the time I got to the office I was so sick to my stomach. After spending a good deal of time in the bathroom the pre-op nurse told me to jettison the shakes and to jsut count calories - no more than 870 each day.

After finishing 3 days of 800-87 calories a day I am feeling triumphant. It was tough - saynig good-bye to the Diet Coke and all sweets etc. I am trying to work on identifying the emotions behind the hunger I am feeling. When you are eating so little, it is actually easier to identify the emotions because they are not just numbed by food.

The weight seems to be moving in the right direction which is a relief. I am having some cold feet for sure, not sure what to expect and worried about the initial recovery.

yet another reason

I am doing this.

We just arrived home from 3.5 days of walking Disneyland. I tried to be tough and hang in there with the family, but I was in so much physical pain it was ridiculous. My back hurt and seized up, my feet ached, my hips were terrible. I kept thinking...this is the last time I will feel like this at Disneyland. This was our first trip and I had been very worried about how I would feel with all the walking, and it looks like I had good reason to be worried. Being heavy and short - or tall- can be so hard on our bodies. For me, I fall on the short side at just 5 feet tall, and the weight just compresses my low back and puts so much pressure on  my hips and knees and clearly my feet. Ugh. I struggled to stay positive and to be focused on the fact that I have a plan and tool coming my way.

Onward.

Tomorrow morning is my pre-op appointment. And then on to getting my life in order for the start of spring quarter Wednesday and surgery Thursday.

support...in all the right places

I went to my first support group meeting this week. My center allows you to go once you have a surgery date. I was apprehensive. A little anxious to say the least. Not sure who or what I would encounter.

I walked through the door and the very first person I saw was someone I knew. Let's call him C. C and I had literally just had coffee on Monday. He did not mention anything and I of course have been planning to keep this mostly to myself. When we greeted each other at the support group we chuckled and sat down together. His surgery was 2 weeks ago and he is doing great. He was March 1st and I am scheduled for March 31st- we thought it was cute that we bookended the month. Such a small, small world sometimes.

The topic was all about food. IRONIC! And one of the surgeons even did a cooking demonstration which was pretty great. He made spaghetti squash recipe and they passed around taste testers, it was delish.

Afterward the main topic the group broke down into smaller groups. I joined the newbies, but wish I had gone with the emotional eating group. My group had little to say and I found myself getting into a side conversation to the person next to me. She was super helpful, she has had her band for a month and had just gotten her first fill. I'm glad we met and though she lives several hours away hope we can support one another.

I am so grateful to be getting comments on my posts, it feels so good to know people are out there- either having walked this path before me, or who I may be able to help as they think about taking this journey themselves.

Next steps for me.

• vacation with my husband and kiddos starting Sunday
• back in town Thursday
• begin the pre-op diet Friday
• pre-op appointment Friday morning
• first day of spring quarter Wednesday night (did I mention I'm in grad school)
• SURGERY THURSDAY

More to come, happy weekend everyone.

dreaming of bandland

Anytime I am about to embark on something big or there are intense things happening in my life these things always show up in my dreams. 

Last night I had a dream that I was talking to my Doc after the surgery about how I was one of the only patients she had ever had who could not lose weight.  She was mystified and I was crushed.

OY.

I know I my confidence is bruised from my past attempts, but I also know I need to believe in myself- so the positive affirmations and self talk begin today. 

In other news- the countdown has officially about to begin- surgery is in 19 days. Pre-op diet begins in 12 days.  I am nervous for the diet, but also see it as a detox opportunity. 

How was the pre-op diet for all of you??

misplaced my confidence

First of all...I have comments! There are real people out there! Thank you so much to http://ladylapband.blogspot.com/ for the shout out! I find it comforting to know that I am not alone in my emotions and I hope to one day be able to offer people a place to read hopeful things as all of you have offered me.


In my continued reading of all of the WLS blogs I found something that stopped me in my tracks. (I wrote it down when I read it and i am so sorry I can not give the blogger who posted this credit...)

you can't continue the same behavior and expect a different result

There it is.
Even with a tool like the lapband I need to accept that my behavior need to be different. I would like to think that with a step as serious as a surgical intervention I will be motivated to change my behavior- for good. I wish I felt more confident. I used to be more confident in general. I think after some time this yo-yo cycle has taken a real toll on my ability to see myself as a success.

Experienced banders- this one is for you: When did you begin to feel confident in your ability to succeed at weight loss with the band. Were you apprehensive in the beginning?

getting ready to say good-bye

Addicted. I developed my love for the DC in college. I continued to love it in Grad School but I could still take it or leave it.  And then...I had children and the feeling of the first sip of a fountain Diet Coke brought me such immense pleasure, I imagine it is how some people feel about a first drink of wine. I don't drink alcohol at all, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. So for years and years as other people have been drinking wine and cocktails I've been hanging with my Diet Coke.

No more cold, fizzy carbonation. A small sacrifice for the chance at a healthier life.

The time has come to say good-bye. I will need to find that deep sigh  in something else. Some other way to soothe a frazzled moment.

I know this will be hard. It's like saying good-bye to an old friend.

Question: if you loved carbonated drinks in the past, what do you enjoy now that you are banded?

gathering the gear

This is what I do. I am a planner, an organizer. I like to get things ready, prepare them, focus on the details to manage my crazy. Getting ready for this experience is no different. 

I have shakes for the pre-op diet ( My doc gives the choice of the bariatric advantage powder or the EAS car control, I'm going with the EAS but am very worried that I will hate them, any suggestions welcome!)

I have 1 cup ramekins that work with my dishes so I can feel like I am eating with the rest of my family. 

I have one cup to go containers in mass quantities for taking on the go. 

I have new waterbottles that I love so I am hoping that will encourage me to drink from them!

I am working on getting my vitamins: my doc suggests bariatric advantage chewables- flavor suggestions welcome, calcium chews and am wondering about the best choice for fiber. 

I have been watching youtube channels in all my spare minutes and have read just about every lapband blog I could get my hands on....

Is there anything I'm missing, anything you wish you had known before you had your surgery?

from the mouths of babes

(from this point forward I will refer to my two daughters as little chicken and big chicken, 3 and 5 respectively)

This week I was picking up my big chicken from school and we got there early so I took the little chicken to the library. We bumped into one of her little friends there, let's call her little B. The two girls played until it was time to go pick up the big sisters from choir. My little chicken and I were walking down the stairs holding hands and little B and her ultra slim mother were behind her. I heard little B ask her mom, "Momma, why does little chicken's mommy look like that?" I can only describe the way I felt as heartbroken. Little B's mom simply ignored her and started up another conversation with me. But I was devastated, you know....crying on the inside. I have been trying to tell myself that there was still time before the chickens are impacted by this situation that has been spiraling out of control.

I do not want my girls to feel embarrassed by me.

I do want them my girls to feel they need to defend me.

I do not want my girls to think this will happen to them (which is what I grew up thinking as I watched my parents struggle with their weight).

I do not want my girls to suffer in any way because of my weight, I have suffered enough for all of us already

Just one more drop in the bucket to confirm that I am on the right track and have made the right choice.
More to come...

how did i get here?

I've been asking myself that question everyday for the past 2 years. As I  I am about to embark on my journey with the lap band I knew that I not only wanted to document the process, but I also wanted to be a part of a community of women who can understand what this experience is like.

The historical basics:

• my weight started to rise in college when I was away from home for the first time and felt free to eat ho ho's and diet coke for breakfast, lunch or dinner
• after grad school went to WW for the first time after seeing the Duchess on Oprah, loved it...have been back 7 more times, never worked for me like the first time
• woked with a behavioral therapist and lost 17 pounds before my wedding, still felt I was bigger than I should have been a that time, if only I knew what was coming
• after a miscarriage hit the ho ho's hard and gained 20 pounds before being pregnant again
• gestational diabetes with my pregnancy and after the birth the diabetes never went away and neither did the weight
• one more pregnancy and birth ...felt out of control
• did a medically supervised weightloss program, focused on protein, diet and exercise- lost 40 pounds- each and everyone came back with 10 of their friends
• looked into lapband - the surgeon I met with said I would only be successful with bypass...this frightened me away for a year
• CURRENT STATUS: found a different surgeon, am scheduled for LapBand surgery on March 31st. I am excited, nervous and hopeful. Hopeful feels good, it's been a long time since I felt hopeful

I have two daughters who I want to be healthy for and a husband who has seen it all and still loves and supports me. My biggest concerns are leaving carbination (diet coke and sparkling water) behind. I may need to bury a bottle of pelligrino in the back yard as a ceremonial parting! I am also worried about not drinking while I eat, I never noticed how much I do that until now!

I look forward to getting to know all of you as I have spent hours and hours reading your blogs, going back from the very beginning to your current statuses, what an amazing group of women!